**TW: Living child (not mine)**
I’ve been spending the last few days mostly denying that we are nearing Steam Bun’s birth. Staying busy certainly helps, I’ve been completing surveys online for cash. I wasn’t planning on doing this, but it fills the time and extra cash is never a bad thing. Lol. A couple of the surveys have been on Trump’s administration, and I have thoroughly enjoyed filling those out. 😀
We visited a friend who recently had their second child, a girl. She is their rainbow, their oldest passed away shortly after Theo died. We met them through church, and they are so amazing and sweet. They’ve been very supportive of us, they and their parents both attended Theo’s birthday party. We are so grateful their baby girl is healthy and home safe and sound. I was so anxious for them leading up to her birth (as I am for all of my loss friends expecting another child), so learning she was born alive and well was a huge relief.
We dropped off dinner and some snacks, and a toy for their daughter. We talked about what those first few days with a living child are like, how bonding is going, etc. It’s so nice to have loss friends to talk about these things with. I know I can’t predict what I will feel, but I like talking to/reading blogs of other loss parents and getting as many different perspectives I can. No one has the same experience or handles it the same way, and hearing everyone talk about what it is like for them is very helpful. I feel like I’m going in a little prepared, even though I don’t think I can truly prepare myself for what it will be like.
They asked us if we wanted to hold the baby, and Kenny accepted. Their baby was the first one Kenny has held since Theo, and it was heartbreaking and heartwarming seeing him hold a baby. Because we only saw Theo while he was on machines, we never got to hold like you normally would hold a baby. We only got to hold him on our laps. Seeing Kenny hold a living baby, one that isn’t ours, cut my heart so deep. I couldn’t look at him too long, I really wanted the first time I see Kenny holding a living baby to be him holding one of ours. But he and I grieve very differently and if he felt holding a living baby would help him, then I’m (begrudgingly) glad he did.
I refused, I just couldn’t hold someone else’s baby before I hold a living child of my own. As I expected, they were completely understanding and did not take offense or push me. This was also the longest I’ve been around a baby since Theo died, and it wasn’t as hard as it normally is. It actually wasn’t hard for me at all, I liked being around her even though I wasn’t ready to hold her. I’m pretty sure this has to do with the fact that they’ve lost a child too, so there wasn’t that pressure to coo over the baby and act super excited and happy.