Holding Our Angel

Loving After Loss

Not a clue

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Many people, both loss and non-loss friends, have been asking me how the first few postpartum weeks are going.

I honestly have no idea how to answer my non-loss friends.

How can I explain to someone who has not lost their child the complete mind fuck that is postpartum and grief? I don’t even know where to begin, and I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. 

My non-loss friends who are asking me this are the ones who have walked with me this entire time and have listened without judgement, so when they see I’m struggling to answer, they ask if I want to talk about something else. And that’s what I need. 

I had lunch today with a loss mom, and it was like a huge weight was lifted talking to her. Just having someone who can say “yep, I get it” is more comforting than pretty much anything else right now. When I say that a sleeping baby looks like a dead baby, she knows exactly what I mean. 

When I say that I sometimes look at Artie and think that he’s not Theo, she gets it. 

There’s no need to explain what I mean, which is just what I need because I don’t have the capacity right now to explain what I mean. 

This postpartum period is just as rough as the one after Theo, just in an entirely different way. I feel like I’m back at ground zero, wondering what is going on and where to begin. 

Like another loss mom blogged about, I find that when I say I’m tired most assume it’s because I have a newborn. That may be part of it, but mostly I’m exhausted from trying to process and deal with everything, exhausted from walking this shitty path. 

I feel like I’ve been robbed of the joy of parenting. 

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