Self-care has been difficult while dealing with everything.
When I was pregnant with Theo, I was very healthy. I exercised regularly until 38 weeks, modifying the exercises the farther along I got of course. But I stayed moving for the majority of the pregnancy and was proud of myself (and I’ll admit–a little smug!). Once I hit 38 weeks, I went on leave and decided to enjoy my last weeks as a couch potato. Lol. And overall, I ate pretty healthy with Theo. I would say I ate healthy about 75-80% of the time, though I certainly used the pregnancy to justify the larger bowl of ice cream. I wanted to give Theo the best start at life.
And then he died.
After he died, I focused a lot on being healthier. I started exercising as soon as I could after the c-section, and I ate as healthy as I could. I got rid of a bunch of crap in our lives to make us and our home healthier. This was probably mostly a way to feel in control more than anything else.
But as soon as I got pregnant again, my whole attitude shifted. All of a sudden I couldn’t motivate myself to workout or eat healthy. I just didn’t (and still don’t) see the point. Thousands of women are on drugs, smoking, or drinking during their pregnancies and their babies live. I’m not denying the health problems associated with those habits, but the babies live. It just feels so pointless to do everything right when the baby still dies in the end. It didn’t help that until I was 10 weeks along, my doctor recommended I not workout due to a complication (that has since resolved) they found. That lost momentum had a big affect.
But self-care goes beyond physical health.
I’ve been focusing more on mental health lately. Even more than a year out, and there’s still only so much energy I have and sometimes I have to ration it. Mental health is a higher priority than physical right now, though I have noticed a correlation between better physical health and better mental health for me. Still, I’m giving myself a pass on the missed workouts and crappy eating because that’s just not what it important to me right now.
So I’ve been focusing on what makes me feel good mentally/emotionally. Like new makeup or clothes, giving myself permission to feel whatever I need to feel, or venting here. There will be some big changes to our lives in 2017. I hope for the better, but honestly I’m preparing myself for the worst. Some of these changes Kenny and I are in control of, some we are at life’s mercy.