Holding Our Angel

Loving After Loss

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Last Night Sucked

I met with my therapist about a week after Theo died. I was still numb at the time, and she warned that soon the numbness would go away.

And I think last night, it finally went away.

All I can think, all I pray for, hope for, is to have my baby back. Every stupid thing reminds me that I have an angel instead of a child. I go between crying “I want my baby” and “I want him back”. It hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt.

And I’m so angry. Why did this happen to us? Why not someone else? How could this have happened? We did everything right in the pregnancy, and I don’t understand how the doctors could have missed he wasn’t developing lungs.

Saturday I got the mail and Theo’s Social Security card arrived. It stung, a reminder that he was actually here. I was grateful at first–it felt so good to have that validation that he was here, that he is ours. But then the realization that he isn’t HERE set in.

And then yesterday I got the call from the funeral home. They wanted to meet to set a date for the funeral and I just can’t bring myself to do that. They confirmed they received Theo’s body from the hospital and that broke me. He’s really not here, he really was born and he really died. The numbness went away in that moment.

I’ve been crying ever since. I just want him back.


Before Pregnancy

Before we talk about the pregnancy and Theo’s life, I thought I should provide some background on my husband and I.

We met in college because we were both in the accounting honors society. I was getting my BS in Accounting, he was getting his Master’s in Accounting. We met when we both signed up to administer an exam for one of the lower-level accounting classes. We chatted during the exam, and I thought he would ask me out once the test was over.

But he didn’t. And we didn’t see each other again for several months, when we ran into each other at church over the summer. Actually, I should say he stalked me at church. Apparently I was sitting several rows in front of him, and he followed me as I was leaving the church so he could talk to me.

Our relationship progressed very quickly, and 3 months later we were engaged. We were married about 8 months after that, in July, 2012. I was 23 and he was 29. It was a busy summer. We graduated, got married, and moved out of state within a couple of months.

Though I was religious and grew up in a religious house, I was never sure I wanted kids. I would go back and forth, thinking I could see myself as a mom, and then being annoyed by the kids around me. I was still unsure I wanted kids when I got married, which my husband knew. He wanted a small family, 1-2 kids, but said he was able to accept never being a father if I didn’t want kids after all.

He never pressured me to change my mind or gave me a deadline. In fact, he rarely brought up the subject of kids. The only times we talked about having kids was when I broached the topic. I was (and still am) grateful he never tried to convince me or pushed me in any way. He never made me feel guilty over my feelings, and made it clear he wouldn’t guilt me if we ended up not having kids.

My mind slowly began to change. Maybe I finally developed some sort of maternal instinct, maybe my biological clock began to tick. Who knows. But one random night in February, 2015, I turned to my husband and said I wanted children. Not right away, I quickly clarified, I wanted to wait 3-4 years before we started trying. He agreed. Waiting until I was about 30 to start trying would give us plenty of time to cross some things off our bucket list.

Needless to say, we weren’t trying for a baby at that time. So imagine my surprise when my period was late and I took a pregnancy test…