I met with my therapist about a week after Theo died. I was still numb at the time, and she warned that soon the numbness would go away.
And I think last night, it finally went away.
All I can think, all I pray for, hope for, is to have my baby back. Every stupid thing reminds me that I have an angel instead of a child. I go between crying “I want my baby” and “I want him back”. It hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt.
And I’m so angry. Why did this happen to us? Why not someone else? How could this have happened? We did everything right in the pregnancy, and I don’t understand how the doctors could have missed he wasn’t developing lungs.
Saturday I got the mail and Theo’s Social Security card arrived. It stung, a reminder that he was actually here. I was grateful at first–it felt so good to have that validation that he was here, that he is ours. But then the realization that he isn’t HERE set in.
And then yesterday I got the call from the funeral home. They wanted to meet to set a date for the funeral and I just can’t bring myself to do that. They confirmed they received Theo’s body from the hospital and that broke me. He’s really not here, he really was born and he really died. The numbness went away in that moment.
I’ve been crying ever since. I just want him back.