The days leading up to Theo’s third birthday were so rough. We have Artie in a few activities, and while it’s always a little difficult seeing the kids Theo’s age, this past week was harder than normal. Seeing where Theo should be, wondering what his personality would be like… The buildup to his birthday is always tougher for me than his actual birthday.
I replay that week in 2015. My labor. The c-section. The silence of his birth.
Time has been going so fast lately, it doesn’t feel like it’s been 3 years. I think a part of me never expected his third birthday to come, it felt like a lifetime away when he died. And now his birth and death feel like a lifetime ago.
A part of me dreads his birthday, and I feel so guilty for that. I want this day to be so different than what it is. I’m no where near accepting that his birthday won’t ever be what it should have been. You shouldn’t dread your child’s birthday. The anniversary of his death is always much easier on me than his birthday. Maybe because I never expect his death date to be a good day?
I wonder how else our lives would be different had Theo lived. Who would have come into our lives? Would I still be working? His death affected every part of our lives.
we miss you Theo. We love you. We did everything we could to save you and I’m sorry it wasn’t enough. Happy birthday love. 💛