It’s hard to believe that it’s been so long. It’s even harder to believe that this is still just the tip of the iceberg with grief. Ideally I’ll live another 40 or 60 years, and it is impossible for me to imagine living all those years with grief. I can mostly imagine the rest of my life, but thinking of dealing with grief for that long?
But here I am at 5 yrs. A milestone. (But everything in grief feels like a milestone.) He would be in preschool this year, and his first year of school would be a weird online preschool.
Where we are now with our living son, is where we should have been 1.5 yrs ago with Theo. I think of all the hilarious things our living son has said and done, and it hurts to know I’ve missed out on that with Theo. It always hurts to see siblings, especially boy/boy siblings. That relationship is one our living son will never know, and I’m so sad for him.
There’s a lot I want to say, but I can’t bring myself to say it. It just hurts. Grief will always hurt, no matter how many years have passed. It’s weird how much grief has changed for me over the years. What once brought me great comfort, now brings me pain. There are aspects I once had a great need to talk about, but now I can barely acknowledged them.
I love you Theo. I wish you were here.